Saturday, June 17, 2006

Finger Emergency

Those of you who have been following this blog might still remember that I wrote about an emergency situation whereby you need to seek immediate medical attention - KKC caught in zip.

Today, I’m going to write about another emergency situation - ring caught in finger. I might have mentioned this before too. But no harm mentioning it again.

Why emergency? Let me give you some examples.

Have you been in a situation where you were sitting sadly and lonelily in a darkly lit pub, but suddenly there was this revelation and a beam of light shone from above, and a SYT slipped up beside you, and you quickly slid your hand between your chair and your butt to hide that ring? Have you been enjoying yourself caressing those forbidden areas when she suddenly realised you have a cold hard ring on your finger and returned you with a similarly cold hard slap across your face? And you had to go home and explain to your yellow face 黃臉婆 that there was a mosquito sitting on your cheek?

Have you been in a situation where other men treated you as a housewife instead of a symbol of lustrous desire just because of that irritating sparkling dunno-how-many-karat diamond on your finger? Or while in a blog meet, every single young man moved away from you to sit with SYTs and left you all alone with some other stinky Ah Sohs covering their BOs with cheap perfume spraying saliva and food at your face?

If you take a magnifying glass and have a look carefully at that evil object (please refer Lord of the Ring if you don’t believe me), you will soon discover big pieces of scum laden with bacteria and fungi in every nook and cranny of that ring. You can also find pieces of soap, vomitus, boogers, epithelial cells from the person you shoke hand with and of course some coagulated menstrual blood if it had come across any.

So what are you still waiting for? Get rid of that stupid ring already! Just imagine there is a method for you to get rid of this evil even if it had bound you for decades, in under ten minutes! Heavenly, ain’t it?

But how? You’ve tried with your own saliva, 30 brands of different soap, shampoo, WD40, engine oil, cooking oil, KY jelly, Astroglide and even thinking of biting off your own finger!

Do not despair. For I’m going to teach you a very simple and effective method before you head to the emergency department where they use a ring cutter.

I once removed a ring stuck around someone’s KKC with a ring cutter. I didn’t ask how the ring ended down there. It wasn’t a pretty sight. The rest of that fler’s KKC was as swollen as a gigantic button mushroom and it had some cuts here and there, bleeding, on top of that stench from of a mixture of coconut oil and other lubricants. If I remember correctly, my assistant said something about minyak gamat too. But that’s another story.

But with this method, you can excuse yourself for just a few minutes into the toilet and have your ring flushed down the toilet before you can even finish saying ‘Lord of the Ring’.

This method, is what every medical student learn during their first year surgery. I think they should teach this as first lesson into medical school and have a major of it in every final exam. Yes, this is how important it is. Now I’m going to teach you, for free! And may it benefit you for the rest of your life!

But please note that if you have or suspected that you have a certain medical condition like Buerger’s disease (no, not McDonald disease though he’s a sick fuck), please seek a second opinion before you attempt this stunt. If you have Buerger’s, you should not have worn any ring or anything that might constrict blood flow to your extremities in the first place anyway! I shall not be held responsible if half way through, your finger starts turning black or drop off or something.

To start with, find a piece of string. Dental floss would be good if you can’t find fishing thread or some suture material like silk. But as long as it has good tensile strength and doesn’t break off easily, you are set to go ahead.

Slide one end of the thread through the ring, between the ring and your finger, obviously. Leave the distal end (towards the tip of your finger) long and the proximal end (the part closer to palm) short. Next, wind the string round and round around that finger towards the tip. You won’t have to wind it as dense as the illustration below, which might take hours (your finger might suffer ischaemia or worse, your victim might have fed up of waiting and run away). Gaps of 2mm should be sufficient.

Slowly unwind the string from its proximal end (the part nearer to the palm), pulling it towards the tip. The ring would slide towards the tip slowly as you unwind.

Repeat the process until you set your finger free and yourself to freedom!

There you go! Emergency situation solved.

No, you don’t have to thank me. This is just another community service brought to you by Please spread this news, you will be earning good karmas in the process. If you are a medical student, please read up on Buerger’s disease before your lecturer, who reads this blog too, come out with a surprise exam tomorrow.

What? Your other half realised you’ve lost your ring and started questioning you? Okay lah, 送佛送到西 (send Buddha must send all the way to the west) … Tell them you have finally decided to get rid of that unhygienic piece of crap (not even worth donating to World Wildlife Fund or World Wrestling Federation) and you already have him/her in your heart and that you won’t need something so hideously materialistic to remind you of your holy love towards him/her.